G'day Mate, Have A Laugh

ALWAYS KEEP THIS PHILOSOPHY IN MIND BEFORE YOU SPEAK "

In ancient Greece (469-399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" " No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" " No, on the contrary." " So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" " No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.[/SIZE]
 
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"

She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy."

Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.
 
Harry starts his new job at the Zoo and he is given three tasks, the first of which is to clean out the 'exotic fish pool' of weeds.

Harry starts on this when suddenly a bloody great fish jumps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go, so he beats the offending fish to death. Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions, as lions will eat anything. So Harry feeds the fish to the lions.

Harry then moves over to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. Harry gets stuck in and a couple of chimps start throwing **** at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps to death with a spade, killing them instantly. Harry is ****ting himself, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions will eat everything.

Anyway Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, As you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point Harry is not too worried about this as he knows what to do, you guessed, feed them to the lions, because lions eat everything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo, it wanders over to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The other lion responds, "Absolutely brilliant, today I had fish and Chimps with mushy bees!!"
 
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, Smack his arse again."
 
The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details" or putting it another way....Who's the Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out No 10. I think it takes 1st prize and No 2 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was imaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise...

7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the MagicKingdom

9. So much about that night is a blur, the only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
 
some good chuckles there Marty Thanks.
A lot of work typing all that too,
good job mate.
Think I liked the "50 things you'd like to say at work" best tho.
 
Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.

Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?

'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.

'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house
and on the wall there's a light switch.

When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man.

'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.

''WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally.

'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE ****IN' LIGHT, I shat meself!!
 
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, She began walking faster and faster so I did, She started running so I did, she started screaming so I did. I don't know what we were running from but I was terrified.
 
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