G'day Mate, Have A Laugh

Big Marty

Turbocharged
Joined
Sep 19, 2011
Messages
991
Location
Queensland
Ride
2010 Rocket 3 Roadster
A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight


February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.......bottle won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.... ..wrong instructions. ...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 .... 'duh'..there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
 
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

M y stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
 
50 THINGS YOU WOULD LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a ****.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a ******* people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door..........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need?

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand... then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy; can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander; it's too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today; I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.
 
Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
 
GOOD HOUSEKEEPER OR REAL WOMAN: TIPS FOR THE MODERN WOMAN

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice-cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.

THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Buy Deb mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
The Cheese Cake Shop sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
It could keep forever. I don't eat it.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg whites over the crust so I don't do that.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Got a headaches? Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it into a mug of tequila. Drink the Tequila. You might still have the headache, but at least you will be too drunk to care.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Go ask mister cute arse, cute legs, single neighbour to do it for you.

THE GOOD HOUSEKEEPING WAY:
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

THE REAL WOMEN'S WAY:
Left over wine???? Helloooo...
 
- : HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION : -

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
 
MATERNITY & MOTHERHOOD

FIRST BABY: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
SECOND BABY: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
THIRD BABY: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH
FIRST BABY: You practice your breathing religiously.
SECOND BABY: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
THIRD BABY: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month

THE BABY CLOTHES
FIRST BABY: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
SECOND BABY: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
THIRD BABY: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

WORRIES
FIRST BABY: At the first sign of distress -a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
SECOND BABY: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
THIRD BABY: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing

DUMMIES
FIRST BABY: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and sterilise it.
SECOND BABY: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
THIRD BABY: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

NAPPY CHANGING
FIRST BABY: You change your baby's nappies every hour, whether they need it or not.
SECOND BABY: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
THIRD BABY: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

ACTIVITIES
FIRST BABY: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
SECOND BABY: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
THIRD BABY: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

GOING OUT
FIRST BABY: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
SECOND BABY: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
THIRD BABY: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

AT HOME
FIRST BABY: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
SECOND BABY: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
THIRD BABY: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

SWALLOWING COINS
FIRST CHILD: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
SECOND CHILD: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
THIRD CHILD: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
 
RULES FOR BUYING GIFTS FOR MEN
With Christmas bearing down you may be starting to get desperate for present ideas. Well ladies, lucky for you this handy list will be more than helpful...

RULE 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

RULE 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why.

RULE 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. Washer fluid, wheel gloss or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

RULE 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like 200 hundred feet of 3/8" nylon rope. No one knows why.

RULE 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing widescreen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks.

RULE 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why.

Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. He will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over.

Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners." Everyone knows why.

Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule 11: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why!
 
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get away from her, before she ****s on you!!"
 
Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty bucks, and vice versa."

Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!"

This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a $50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer, starts Googling, hits Wikipedia, Asks Jeeves... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes Santa and hands him $500. Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the bloody answer?" Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer $50, and goes back to sleep...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Asking price for a 2015 Rocket X here in Perth, Australia.
Replies
2
Views
300
Gromett
Is anyone else feeling the breath of AUSTRAC on their neck or have I bought something off a terrorist or criminal?
2
Replies
10
Views
1K
CrzystghndKC
Anyone have this part to sell - ROCKET III - Backrest, Adjustable Rider Kit?
Replies
1
Views
824
phar2slo
S~E Qld riders wanna go for a ride?
8 9 10
Replies
97
Views
9K
Mittzy
To much bike for a second bike?
2 3 4
Replies
35
Views
5K
Waconut
Menu
Log in
Register