The World is nuts (jokes)

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Where is the 'Bi-pod boy' to strap it on and say "bend over" to when they want to use that thang, or do they use a pig?;):D And where is the banjo?
 
Six great confusions still unresolved

1. At a movie theatre, which 'arm rest' is yours?

2. In the word scent, is "S" silent or "C"?

3. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

4. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

5. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

6. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?



Vagaries of English Language!

Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

How come Noses run and Feet smell?

Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?
 
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton

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One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.



Titanic: Cost - $29.99

Clinton : Cost - $29.99


Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

Clinton : Over 3 hours to read


Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton : Bill is a bull**** artist.


Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton : Ditto for Bill


Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton : Ditto for Monica.


Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton : Let's not go there.


Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.


Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything..


Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.


Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.
 
A little nine-year-old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said. “Can we leave now?” “No,” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.” In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.” the little girl replied. “They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the sick’.”
 
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