Joke for today

[Rolltide100]

Guy found a magic lantern, Genie told him that because of all of his fame and fortune, good health and handsome looks he was only allowed to grant him one wish. Guy said that's easy not a problem, I have always wished my package would hang below my knees. Genie says that's it, guy says what are you waiting for, Genie says your sure, guy says now I said. Genie says OK smart arse there now you have six inch legs! Be careful what you wish for!

 

[cusso ken]

I got a giant lighter from a genie once. I think he had a hearing problem, because I sure didn't tell him I wanted a 12 inch Bic.

Just in well you never asked for a mouth organ(harmonica) he might have thought you said mouse organ,

 

[Boog]

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit the Powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore."

 

[albertaduke]

BOOG I HURT MY RIBS LAUGHING

but back to the genie bartender in bar ask customer what's your pleasure and why on earth you look ripped yet your head is the size of an orange customer replies I met a mermaid on the beach this morning nobody but her and me on the sand she talked to me yes sir she pleaded for helping her back in the water and added "I will grant you one wish" so I said let's frack and I throw you back in the water right after she replied you idiot can't you see I am a mermaid from the waist down there is only fish scales so I said how about a little head then..

 

[cusso ken]

BOOG I HURT MY RIBS LAUGHING

but back to the genie bartender in bar ask customer what's your pleasure and why on earth you look ripped yet your head is the size of an orange customer replies I met a mermaid on the beach this morning nobody but her and me on the sand she talked to me yes sir she pleaded for helping her back in the water and added "I will grant you one wish" so I said let's frack and I throw you back in the water right after she replied you idiot can't you see I am a mermaid from the waist down there is only fish scales so I said how about a little head then..

getting off the Genie Jokes But
Did you hear about the girl who won a half price cruise ,halfway around the world, well half a day out she got half drunk, threw half her clothes off, knocked over half the tables in the bar, screwed half the crew and made a real monocle of herself.

 

[Steel]

Thibodeaux was in his house one day and hears a knock at his door. He opens it to find a campaign worker soliciting votes for Pierre Boudreaux who was running for office in the parish.

Thibodeaux says "I ain't never gonna vote for Pierre Boudreaux evah in my life." The campaign worker asks why.

"Well, lemme tell ya a little story," Thibodeaux says. "About 10 years ago my cow, Bessie, gots the constipation real bad. I called the vet and he said he had some medicine that he could give her to fix it. Now he could either come out and give it to her for fitty dolla, or he could sell me the meds for twenny and I give it to ol' Bessie myself. I figure I can give the cow medicine, so I go into town and buy the medicine and save me a bit of money. It turns out that I have to put the medicine in her butt, and when I get home I start looking around for something I could use to do that, and I find my grandpappy's old army bugle. I stick that bugle in ol' Bessie, and it spooks her and she takes off down the road towards the bayou making all kinda crazy noise."

The campaign worker asks Thibodeaux "How does this involve Pierre Boudreaux?"

Thibodeaux continues, "Pierre Boudreaux was working as the bridge keeper at the drawbridge back then, and just as Bessie comes running down the road, he hits the button and the draw bridge goes up. Bessie runs up the bridge and falls into the bayou and drowns."

"I can understand how that must have upset you sir, but Pierre Boudreaux hasn't worked the bridge in over 25 years. Isn't that a long time to hold a grudge?"

"I ain't holdin no grudge...Pierre Boudreaux bought me a new cow. But I ain't votin for no son of a ***** who is too dumb to know the difference between a boat horn and a cow with a bugle in its ass."

 

[Rolltide100]

Thibodeaux was in his house one day and hears a knock at his door. He opens it to find a campaign worker soliciting votes for Pierre Boudreaux who was running for office in the parish.

Thibodeaux says "I ain't never gonna vote for Pierre Boudreaux evah in my life." The campaign worker asks why.

"Well, lemme tell ya a little story," Thibodeaux says. "About 10 years ago my cow, Bessie, gots the constipation real bad. I called the vet and he said he had some medicine that he could give her to fix it. Now he could either come out and give it to her for fitty dolla, or he could sell me the meds for twenny and I give it to ol' Bessie myself. I figure I can give the cow medicine, so I go into town and buy the medicine and save me a bit of money. It turns out that I have to put the medicine in her butt, and when I get home I start looking around for something I could use to do that, and I find my grandpappy's old army bugle. I stick that bugle in ol' Bessie, and it spooks her and she takes off down the road towards the bayou making all kinda crazy noise."

The campaign worker asks Thibodeaux "How does this involve Pierre Boudreaux?"

Thibodeaux continues, "Pierre Boudreaux was working as the bridge keeper at the drawbridge back then, and just as Bessie comes running down the road, he hits the button and the draw bridge goes up. Bessie runs up the bridge and falls into the bayou and drowns."

"I can understand how that must have upset you sir, but Pierre Boudreaux hasn't worked the bridge in over 25 years. Isn't that a long time to hold a grudge?"

"I ain't holdin no grudge...Pierre Boudreaux bought me a new cow. But I ain't votin for no son of a ***** who is too dumb to know the difference between a boat horn and a cow with a bugle in its ass."

You're killing me smalls you're killing me.
Makes me think of my ole favorite Justin Wilson!

 

[RKTNMYPKT]

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Johnny says: "I wanna hit the Powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore."

 

[Boog]

One day a fourth grade teacher asked her class what their fathers did for a living. She got many of the typical answers; firefighter, policeman, businessman and so on. But when she got to little Johnny, he didn’t seem to want to answer. Johnny, what does your dad do for a living? He looked up at her and around the room and said, “My dad is an exotic dancer in a gay bar where he takes off his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear”.
The teacher was shook up at what he said and got the rest of the class busy on some school work then took little Johnny out in the hall and asked if that was really true. “No” he said, “He really plays for the Washington Redskins but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class”.

 

[cusso ken]

One day a fourth grade teacher asked her class what their fathers did for a living. She got many of the typical answers; firefighter, policeman, businessman and so on. But when she got to little Johnny, he didn’t seem to want to answer. Johnny, what does your dad do for a living? He looked up at her and around the room and said, “My dad is an exotic dancer in a gay bar where he takes off his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear”.
The teacher was shook up at what he said and got the rest of the class busy on some school work then took little Johnny out in the hall and asked if that was really true. “No” he said, “He really plays for the Washington Redskins but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class”.

A farmer has a prize heifer that he wants to take to the Royal Easter Show in April and their is a Randy Bull living on the farm next door , and the farmer doesn't want her in calf for the show ,he checks out the fencing and realises the bull can easily break into the heifers paddock and serve her , so speaking to his wife she suggests they wrap a double bed sheet around the heifers hind quarters like a giant nappy just in cast to stop the bull's romantic coupling if he breaks the fence down ,the next morning the fence is down the heifer is nowhere to be seen and the bull is back in his paddock with a contented look on his face , the farmer drives down the road looking for his heifer and meets the postman on his rounds coming up the road ,he asks the postie if he had seen a heifer this morning with a bed sheet wrapped around her hind quarters ,no says the postie but I saw one with the corner of a pocket handkerchief poking out of her fanny.