I recall the last time I got on a horse. I took my daughters to Garden of the Gods in Colorado for a High School Graduation trip and we were going to ride the trails and see the wonders of the Rockies. When we checked in at the registration desk there ws a sign that read "No one over 275 pounds, and NO REFUNDS." I looked at the lady and said my girls were all less than 110 pounds, would that make up for my tipping the scales over 300? She said they could accomodate me. Cool. We go outside and they point the girls to some nice horses and they have zero problem geting mounted. I look at the horses tied to the rail and asked a young lad which one was mine. He said, "we're bringing one down from the stable for you." Cool. I see this toddler walking this horse down from the stable and as they approached the horse was getting bigger and so was the toddler. They get up close and the kid looks to be college aged and the horse looks like something they rolled up in front of the walls of Troy. "What the hell is that?" I asked. The kid responded, "that there is a Belgian." I'm no judge of horse flesh but it looked more like a horse that eats steroids for breakfast and possibly meat. I looked at the stirrup on the saddle perched on its back and said, "I can't get my foot that high, you guys have a bucket or stool I can stand on?" The kid looks at me and says, "I'll lower the stirrup for you," and with that set about dropping the stirrup to the lowest setting. "Um, I still can't get my foot that high," I said. With that a couple more college students came over to help. "Look," one said, "lean back on us, get your foot in and we'll push you up." Intriguing. I leaned against three of them and got my foot about parallel with my chest and got my foot into the stirrup. "Ready?" one asked. "Let's give it a go," I replied and with that they all heaved me up and I was standing in the stirrup with the saddle seat hitting me square in the chest. "I think this is a no bueno guys," I said as it was hopeless to even try and crawl up the side of the horse to get into the saddle. "Dang!" one of the crew exclaimed, "we do have a dock for little kids to get on horseback, maybe that will work." With that I stepped down and nearly hit my chin with my knee before my right foot hit terra firma. They walked horsezilla over to a platform and I went up some steps and sure enough the horse saddle was easily available for me to get on. This was more like it. I got into the saddle and wrapped my Canon Eos Rebel shoulder strap around the saddle horm as the kid started to lead the horse out of the chute. I call it a chute because between the platform and a 6 pipe fence was the horse. I was about to comment to the kid that the left stirrup was about 3 feet below my left foot when horsezilla gave a back hunch. That was immediately followed by a full blow buck. The result was a thunderclap as my kneecaps slammed into my ears and I was launched high enough that the altitude was sufficient to see the entirety of the Garden of the Gods. Sadly my Canon Eos Rebel was not within reach for the photo op as it's apogee was on a different trajectory than my particular flight path. It was near the beginning of my re-entry from the ionosphere that I realized flapping my arms like Icarus was not going to avail any appreciable deceleration as Earth approached when suddenly the music started. I was strumming that 6 pipe fence with my head as I approached the conclusion of my descent, so with musical tones ringing in my ears I finally landed in a large cloud of dust. Curious, that wasn't there a second ago. The crater I made wasn't overly large but did meet my immediate needs for a final resting place. It was some time before thin wisps of air finally trickled back into my lungs and I was keenly aware that I was now some kind of spectacle as a large group of oxygen users and bystanders were gathering around the crash site. One of the kids that had tried to get me on board stooped down beside me and asked me the dumbest question I have ever been asked, ever, "Are you alright?" "Sure," I wheezed, "I always bleed like this, no worries." The lady from the registration desk showed up about 30 seconds later with cash in hand, "here's your money back sir." I guess that no refund policy only applies to their no frill flights. What really hurt were the tendons in my hips because my knees don't normally contact my ear pans and when forced to do so stretch those bits and bobs to near the breaking point. So standing up was a real joy as the stars and sparkles danced across my eyes from the flaming hot joints that had been my hips. I resolved at that moment this would be my very last horse ride, ever. Like Val Kilmer noted in the movie Tombstone,""I'm afraid the strain was more than he could bear."
Today was not a good day at all. I decided to go horseback riding, to ease the boredom... something I haven't done in awhile. It turned out to be a big mistake!
